Everyday I’m Struggling

I’m back in the blog world. For the last couple of years I have been STRUGGLING, but this has increased ten fold since fall of last year. I just feel lost for lack of a better word. Who is this woman looking back at me in the mirror? I don’t even recognize her anymore. I have really felt like a shell of myself. When I try to pinpoint the moment that things started to change, it’s when my last baby started school full time. It ROCKED my world. 

I grew up as the daughter, softball player, athlete, sister. I became the student, English major, cashier, girlfriend, and eventually moved on to teacher, fiancé, wife and last but not least mother. I lived under these labels that gave my days purpose and direction. Most of these labels also came with built in communities and relationships. I was busy and distracted and focused on fulfilling whatever duties came with those roles. Then all of a sudden massive life changes rocked my very core. I became the griever of a lost parent, the last woman standing in my family, and my “mom” duties changed when all my kids went off to school and I was home alone to look in the mirror and ask myself “what now?!” For years my time was consumed by other people and my attention never fully on myself. All of the down time left me grasping for meaning and value. What do I want with my life? Do I want to go back to teaching? Do I want to pursue writing? Do I want to start the business I have always dreamed of? I didn’t and still don’t know how to fully prioritize my happiness and desires. Heck, I don’t know what I really want because honestly I never really took the time to honestly ask myself that question—EVER. 

So, here I am one week before my 43rd birthday ready to take a deep dive into who the heck I am and what I truly want out of my life. What brings me joy? Who are my people? Where do I want to invest my time? And along the way I need to seriously drop the baggage I have been carrying with me since childhood. Enough of the insecurity, self-sabotage, chronic negative self-talk, jealousy, and overall feeling of never feeling good enough. I’m old enough to have a serious sit down with my inner workings and drop the bull shit that has been holding me back for far too long. I’m tired. Tired of the hustle to make it seem like I have it all figured out. Tired of doubting myself and who I innately am because people don’t like me. Tired of doing everything for everyone and not everything for myself. Let’s do this. This is my giant middle finger to my midlife crisis and the little gift of perimenopause. Time to heal from the inside out and take back control in my life.